Reflection

I'd like to share with you my perspective on the events of yesterday - how I spent my son's birthday.

Rusty and Lynna were gracious in having me over most of the weekend. I struggle with what to do on each of these special days. Yesterday was no different in that respect. I've felt a bit drained lately and didn't make any certain plans with respect to this special day. But I do know that treating these days as "ordinary" and going about the day in an ordinary way is not tolerable to me. Likewise, while I have a great need for the support, I cannot stomach having a party, nor the reciting of "memories" (and by the way, that is FAR different than hearing how my family has taught or impacted others - that is something I love to hear).

Instead, I have to put ordinary things aside and reverently honor that day with something different, but not in a way that pretends to celebrate something we cannot really do. Yesterday I didn't know what to do.

I decided I'd go to church at North Main Baptist Church in Liberty. So I got up and thought, What should I wear on this special day? It may sound small to you, but it's not to me. Since I cannot do what I want to do, I have to find ways to deal with that. I wanted to wear something my son would say, "Mommy, you look so pretty," because he used to tell me that often and I loved hearing it from him.

At first I thought I should wear this red/black/white striped shirt. I found that shirt in a second-hand store and bought it because it's almost identical to his favorite shirt he had. Only the collar trim is slightly different. I don't wear it very often because that's just difficult for me. But for some reason I just thought he wouldn't think that shirt was as pretty on Mommy as maybe something else. I thought I could dress prettier for his special day, whether he can see me or not. So I picked out the bright blue pant suit. That suit makes the usual rotation in my office wardrobe, I wear it on a regular basis. But yesterday something was different. I thought he'd like this bright color, and I really felt like if he saw me he would say, "Mommy, you look so pretty."

The adult Sunday School classes are held the hour prior to the church service and Lynna and Rusty attend a class. Driving in the Oldsmobile - the birthmobile; the Buddy car - I arrived a little ahead of church and was waiting out in the lobby for them to come out of class so we could sit together in the sanctuary.

As I stood there waiting, several people passed by me as they entered the sanctuary. I was floored by the number of comments made to me on how I looked - specifically on the bright blue suit. Even though it wasn't my son I could hear saying it, it was kind of like a confirmation. One after another, people walked up to me, hugged me and said, "Wow, you look great - what a beautiful suit!" or "Linda, you look great in that blue! Doesn't she look pretty?" etc. In all the times I've worn that suit I've heard a comment here or there that the suit is nice; it's bright so it's eye-catching, but I have never received so many comments at one time, at one wearing. Every single person I knew who walked by me made a comment.

After church I went back to the house to change clothes. Then I felt it was appropriate to put on my red and black and white striped shirt with black jeans. After lunch with Lynna and Rusty I washed the Buddy car and then went back to the church to attend a bible study class. It felt like the right thing to do. I'm sure it had something to do with the reverent attitude I was feeling, doing everything - what little I could do - with meaning and purpose, from what I wore to what I drove. After the class was supposed to be the regular evening church service but there was a sudden change in plans.

Brother Jim decided to cancel services because it was an opportune time to go visit a home-bound member of the church. A man who recently began chemotherapy has been too sick to attend church. He and his wife have been faithful members for years and have expressed in the past few weeks how much they miss the fellowship. It's been a huge part of their lives. Yesterday Clarence was feeling better than he had in awhile, so Bro. Jim decided to cancel service at the church and everyone pile into the bus and go to this couple's home.

We didn't stay long. Bro. Jim said a prayer and everyone gathered round Clarence and Linda and gave them a hug. I just thought that was the right thing to do, to cancel regular service at the church and bring the church to them. I think that's what it's all about, as in the 17th chapter of the book of John, where Jesus prayed that we would all be one in His will.

And while no one in the church planned that to happen on this particularly special day, because I could feel the connection with Jesus, with heaven, it was an honorable gift indeed to be part of it on my son's birthday.

I also want to share some very significant messages sent to me in honor of my son and in recognition of this day.

From my sis, Diane:

I had Austin in my mind today and even wrote on my desk calendar at work for this date, "Austin's 9th birthday."

While it's not the same as holding him in your arms, please know that he lives forever in our hearts just as he does in yours.

Love,

DMF

From my sis, Barbara:

Hi Sis,

I wanted to say something last night to you about Sunday's significance but I always feel like whatever words I would use would be so trivial compared to what I'm actually feeling on the inside. So I passed. What I do want you to know though is that I will always hold dear, the impression your son made in my life and all of the mental movies I have packed in my head are such a storehouse to ponder on. Your family will have so much to show us when we join them. The thought of all of them waiting for us there just adds more yearning to get there.

Though you don't mean to and probably don't want to, you are still teaching me. (it's what big sisters are for)

Love ya,

Barbara

And, of course, from my Bro:

Well, I was rather proud of you yesterday, not that I am not usually. Just the fact that you got up, got yourself together and went to church was great. I will do a little sucking up; I also thought you looked great in both outfits yesterday, even though I never expressed it. As far as celebrations… Personally, I don’t know that there is a right or wrong way to acknowledge these days... [Everyone deals with these days differently,] and that is validation of the impact your family had on their lives.
Have a great day!

Rusty